Combining Sentences While Eliminating Redundancy


Often, the best way to improve your writing is two combine redundant, choppy sentences into a single longer sentence using a conjunction or another connecting word.  For example, here is a sample set of a sentences from a student essay:

"Their life falls apart and they end up having depression.  They end up having depression because they have spent huge amounts of money and time to attempt to look and act like their role model."

In another post I talked about getting rid of "dead wood" or redundant language.  One of the easiest ways to accomplish this is by removing the repeating words and hooking the sentences together using the word "because."

"Their life falls apart and they end up having depression.  They end up having depression  because they have spent huge amounts of money and time to attempt to look an act like their role model."

The combined sentence:

"Their life falls apart and they end up having depression because they have spent huge amounts of money and time to attempt to look and act like their role model."

This is better.

However, could we revise even further? If your life is falling apart, doesn't this already imply you are depressed?

Here is another revision:

"Their life falls apart and they end up having depression because they have spent huge amounts of money and time to attempt to look and act like their role model."

becomes:

"Their life falls apart because they have spent huge amounts of money and time to attempt to look and act like their role model."

Find two sentences in your writing that you can combine using words like  ",and" ",but" or "because".

Add your old sentences and the revised, combined sentence in the comments.


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